Day 66: Summer Sports - Paradise Island

Dear Digital Embryo,

I have Wii Sports. It came with my Wii. Therefore, I have no need for your half assed collection of quote-unquote sports. Thank you anyway.


Unless you're 70 or older, I don't imagine playing croquet, lawn darts and horseshoes is your idea of paradise. Basketball does appear on the menu. Twice. But there is no actual basketball. Not even 21. Just horse, around the world and shot clock, which can all be played in two different locations. Volleyball, badminton and mini golf round out the collection, with only mini golf even approaching playability.

The motion controls are unresponsive, the animation is stiff and the menus are prettier than the actual games. Each game must be played by four people, so unless you have three friends you don't mind losing, most of the game is spent watching three computer controlled players, slowing down an already slow experience.

If this is a party game, I recommend saving it for the end of the party, when you want everyone to go home so you can go to bed.

Day 65: The Heist

It takes a special talent to make a game about stealing priceless art from a museum full of high tech security devices painfully boring. Mike Livesay has that talent and he has it in spades. His creation's dullness is so complete and overwhelming that it is almost impressive. I fought off sleep in order to get to the next screen and see how Mr. Livesay could top himself and he rarely disappointed.


How many copies of the same painting does a museum really need? Why are there holes in the floor? And are those toasters in the middle of the screen supposed to be a threat? An yeah, I know it's 1983 and all, but who wears white pants and a lime green muscle shirt when they're robbing a museum? Is he going to use the security video as an audition tape for a role on Miami Vice?

See? Look at this. This game is so bland I have to resort to making fun of the protagonist's outfit to have anything at all to write. I'd better stop now, before I sink into puns.

Day 64: The Tick

How many ninjas can you punch before your hand cramps? If you don't know, play The Tick to find out. Strangely, despite being released after the mainstream success of the animated series, the video game is based entirely on the comic book series. What was a hilarious commentary on America's obsession with all things ninja in 1988 is badly dated in 1994 and looks like a cop out by the programmers who were able to populate an entire video game by recoloring one sprite.


There's no reason to mince words here. This game is a complete waste of the character. It's nothing but another mindless beat 'em up. In fact, the only remotely imaginative thing in this game, the ability to occasionally team up and fight back to back with Oedipus and Paul the Samurai (characters most kids playing this game, having only watched the cartoon, would have never seen before) just makes the game more difficult. Moving the large, slow, two headed beast of justice while fighting small, fast ninjas is a pain.


Almost no effort was put into the sprites besides The Tick and the ninjas. Oedipus and Paul are sloppily drawn and even more sloppily animated. Enemies like Sagin, the Red Scare and Clark Oppenheimer (again, characters most playing would be unfamiliar with) look like they were dropped in at the last minute when someone told the programmers there needed to be more to the game than punching ninjas. The Human Bullet (finally, someone from the cartoon) is so badly rendered that he appeared appeared four times before I realized what he was.

The Tick the video game is just bad. It's ugly and repetitive and, worst of all, it's not even a little but funny. Also, but focusing on the comic book for source material, it alienated probably 90% of its audience, who were looking for a game with Dinosaur Neil, El Seed and Thrakkorzog but instead got Running Guy.

Day 63: Meet In

It's been so long since the last time I completed a game that I've forgotten what it feels like. Now that completing a game is more than simply making it to the end. At best, that's the halfway point. New games make me go back and find things I missed or play levels I skipped or, worst of all, make me play the whole game over again to see the "real ending." Princess Peach never seemed to mind before when I would use warps to get to her faster. Seeing the credits roll at the end of a game used to fill me with a sense of accomplishment. Now it makes me dread what there might be left to do.


Meet In is a puzzle game with just one puzzle to solve. Get all four family members to the same central location. Once that happens you're finished forever, if you so choose. There's no need to come back to find some card that can be traded in for a hidden stage that will give you the chance to unlock and extra outfit or some other attempt to artificially create replay value. Finally, I can feel like I've accomplished something.

Day 62: Konami Krazy Racers

Game Title: Konami Krazy (sic) Racers
Platform: Game Boy Advance
Genre: Kart racer
Publisher: Konami (duh!)
Year of Release: 2001











Franchise(s) blatantly stolen from (please mark all that apply)
[ ] Super Mario Bros.
[ ] Mega Man
[ ] Final Fantasy
[ ] Street Fighter
[ ] Grand Theft Auto
[ ] Dance Dance Revolution
[X] Other (please specify): Mario Kart

Time (in hours) annoying theme song played in your head: 2.5











Other comments: An above average kart racer that adds nothing new to the genre. Worth checking out if you happen across it, but not anything to go out of your way to find if you already own any of the Mario Kart series.

Day 61: Action 52 Friday with Alfredo

I had a strange dream last night. Aerosmith was preforming at my house, but for some reason Steven Tyler wouldn't sing. He just stood there while the bassist sang instead. After the set, they all decided they wanted some popcorn. I went to the kitchen to make some but my popcorn popper kept shooting out ice instead of popcorn, which was somehow the fault of one of my coworkers.

I wanted to tell you about my dream because I would rather do that than once again describe the incredible amounts of badness stuffed into one tiny Action 52 game.


Alfred, presumably, is the name of the little chef who marches through his infinitely large kitchen whacking giant noodly things with his giant spoon. Occasionally Alfredo has to leap over a very small hole in the floor. The same scenery loops endlessly in the background while noodly things appear at pretty regular intervals (and occasionally disappear due to what I'm going to say is a programming glitch because I'm not feeling creative enough this morning to create another reason).

The most interesting thing about Alfredo is that rather than the more standard three or five lives, it gives you two. How sad is it that the most noteworthy thing about a game is the number of lives it gives you?

Day 60: Kofi - Yellow Kopter

Anyone who puts in the time necessary to make a game for a 25 year old system that even in its heyday was overshadowed by its predecessor must have a great love for what he does. Just for today, let's say that, and not the end result, is what really matters.


That way I can spend more time working on some other things I need to get done and less time writing about a goofy cartoon helicopter saving a bunch of forest creatures from an angry cloud.