Day 78: Pop Flamer

From the What Were They Smoking? File come Pop Flamer, a game about a masked mouse popping balloons and blasting frogs with a flamethrower. Seriously. I couldn't make up something like that if hot dogs were made of LSD and my name was Takeru Kobayashi.


The developers must have used up everything they had brainstorming the concept, because they failed to make actually playing the game even remotely compelling. I play video games to have fun, not enhance my awareness or any of that other psychedelic mumbo jumbo, alright. If I want my consciousness altered, I'll use Sally-D like all the other kids. Now go back to to your cubicle and don't come back 'til you've got something worth playing.

Day 42: Dr. Micro

I don't know if Dr. Micro is the good guy or the bad guy. The bad guy has the whole evil scientist thing going, so he could be Dr. something, but Dr. Micro sounds more like a nickname you'd give someone back in the 80's if the knew a lot about computers and where all down with microchips and stuff. The kind of guy who'd wear headphones everywhere he went.


And don't even try to tell me his choice of outfit is a coincidence.


So anyway, headphone guy is looking to stop scientist guy's giant boxing germ creation experiments which, if you ask me, are totally legitimate science with huge entertainment potential. I mean, don't you feel a little like a barbarian watching two guys punch each other in the face for half an hour? But watching two giant germs punch each other, that's guilt free right there.

Like any good platform game of the era, and by good platform game I mean Donkey Kong, Dr. Micro has an elevator screen.


And a conveyor belt screen.


And to prove that it is, in fact, a totally original game and not, as some of you might have suspected, a rip off of the aforementioned barrel throwing monkey game, Dr. Micro has this floating on a balloon throwing rocks at germs screen.


The elephant has me completely baffled.

Dr. Micro steals the right things from the right games and uses them well. The simple truth is every screen is fun to play, looks good, sounds good and presents unique challenges. Dr. Micro is everything a video game should be.

Day 41: Van Van Car

Van Van Car is not, and I'm sure I'm not the only one disappointed to learn this, a strange Japanese version of Duck Duck Goose. Van Van Car is, in fact, so brutally unimaginative that I won't even waste time describing it. I'll just show you a picture.


My disappointment has led to inspiration. Not every child has siblings or lives in a neighborhood with a lot of other kids and wide open spaces. What do these kids do when they want to play Four Square or Red Rover? For now they do nothing, but I imagine a future in which they can play Intense Online Hopscotch against players from around the world. Here are just a few of the games I plan to include in my proposal to potential investors:

Dellwayne Robinson Xtreme Duck Duck Goose '09 Named for the fastest kid in my elementary school, DRX 09, as it will be known, will feature the most realistic Duck Duck Goose gameplay to date and support for up to 10 players online. For those seeking a more fast paced game, the arcade mode will let players use a variety of power ups like Speed Boost and Untied Shoelaces.

ARRA (American Red Rover Association) Breakz Inspired by the popular NFL Blitz series, ARRA Breakz will have super buff players and lots of intense, but child friendly, on screen violence. The intuitive, easy to master controls are sure to make this one a favorite of children of all ages.

Mother May I Revolution The ultimate game of exclusion, now playable by up to 16 online contestants. Baby steps, giant steps, even umbrella steps! All at the push of a button! Assuming Mother gives you permission, of course.

Smear the Queer: Street Flashy moves and flashier clothes are what it's all about on the Street. Players start as nobodies but work their way up the ladder to become King of the Neighborhood, earning valuable stickers along the way which can be traded for new outfits and new abilities.

All games will allow players to create their own online avatars for play, keep online stats and the Xbox 360 versions will even have achievements to earn. I plan to release all games as bargain titles, with prices starting at $19.99. Look for them in time for Christmas.

Day 39: Dream Shopper

Ugh. This game hurts my brain. And my eyes.


Did you memorize the locations of all the 500 point squares? OK, good, because they're all going to disappear now.


All you have to do now is uncover 10,000 points without getting captured by one of those yellow things or falling into a pit. Waddaya mean you don't see any pits? They're right there. One's right below the red purse down and to the right of the shopper. There's another one by that clump of purses on the right side of the screen. There are two more, but I'll let you find those on your own.


Ten thousand points earns you admittance to what looks like a TI-99 game. And not a very good one either. Collect as many presents as you can and head for the woman in red at the top of the screen. Those aren't C's. They're cobblestones. Or something.

This is where a talented writer would make some sort of clever dream/nightmare comment and wrap things up nicely. But good writers don't write on free Blogspot pages. They write for GamePro.

Day 15: Disco No. 1

Over the past hour I have cultivated an intense, irrational hatred for this game. Irrational because substituting a penguin on ice skates for the early metrosexual on roller skates transforms Disco No. 1 into Thin Ice, one of my favorite Intellivision games.


I hate the background music, which isn't disco. It's "Popcorn," the same cheesy synthpop song that serves as background music for Pengo. I hate the narc in the suit who sticks his tongue out after he busts me. I hate the 20 second warning, which completely disrupts the flow of the game. I hate the girls I'm supposed to ensnare, who all look more like they're having seizures than dancing. I hate the little victory dance my skater does after completing a level, which looks even more spastic.

I also hate the booze on the floor and the guy with the broom, but it's more of a hatred by association than a genuine hatred.

I hate Data East for birthing Disco No. 1.

I hate broccoli. I hate Oprah. And I hate Disco No. 1. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.