Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Day 2: Battle Hunter

This game has been sitting on the floor next to a bookshelf untouched for at least a month. If not for Game Project 365, there's no telling how long it would have been there, neglected but protected from the elements by other random homeless objects piled on top of it.

I want the last 45 minutes of my life back, asshole. Can you do that for me? I didn't think so. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this game is the revelation that bald guys with ponytails will survive the coming apocalypse. As I'm sure you're already aware, bald guys with ponytails are some of the biggest pricks on the planet. Throw in the Hawaiian shirt and you've got yourself one colossal dick.

The goal of Battle Hunter is to retrieve lost artifacts for this jerk. The artifacts are kept in large wooden crates in dungeons beneath the newly rebuilt civilization. In the dungeons you encounter monsters, robots and other mercenaries, presumably sent to the dungeons after artifacts by other bald guys with ponytails.

Battle Hunter operates like a typical RPG, by which I do not mean Final Fantasy. I mean the kind of RPG you used to play with your friends in the basement on Friday nights because you didn't get invited to any parties, complete with virtual dice rolls and lots of sitting around waiting for the other players to finish their turns. Even the monsters in the dungeon move by the roll of a die, thrown by some unseen digital dungeon master.

As luck would have it, all the artifacts I was sent to find were in the first crate I opened, so the game became a series of strolls to the exit. According to the back of the case, being the first to find the prize doesn't matter because "you can always ambush the other guy" but none of the computer controlled players seemed interested in ambushing me. They spent most of their time fighting each other and finding the bottles of red creme soda hidden in the other crates.

My hope was that I'd stumbled across a cheap but fun role-playing game. Instead, I stumbled across a boring and tedious role-playing game, deserving of it's place on the floor.

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