To Whom It May Concern:
The League of Concerned Parents regrets to inform you that your game "Golvellius: Valley of Doom" does not meet our standards for video games and cannot be sold or marketed in the United States until the following changes are made.
The word "Doom" must be removed from the title. That word implies feelings or defeat and hopelessness, which plays right into the hands of the terrorists. We suggest replacing it with the word "Freedom." Also, some there was some confusion as to the meaning of the word "Golvellius." Some members of the board believed it to be nothing more than the name of a fictional location, while other feared it might have some satanic meaning. We suggest replacing it with "America" to avoid confusion and help instill a feeling of patriotism in our youngsters.
We also noticed early in the game testing that the protagonist always faced to the right, even when moving to the left. This is very reminiscent of the "moonwalk" made famous by known child molester and anti-American Michael Jackson. This "glitch" must be corrected before we allow any American children access to your game.
Several members of the board took exception to the protagonist's appearance. They felt his long green hair projected an anti-establishment attitude that would be unhealthy to expose to young children. Instead of a "cyberpunk," we feel you should use a hero with a more traditional, wholesome look.
We sincerely hope you are able to make these changes in time for the upcoming holiday season.
The League of Concerned Parents