Day 38: Sega Superstars Tennis

Y'know, outside of Sonic, Sega doesn't really have any superstars. Even his supporting cast are at best minor stars. Sort of the Robin Venturas of video games. The severe drop in name recognition from Sonic the Hedgehog to Jet Set Radio explains why over a quarter of the characters in Sega Superstars Tennis are from the Sonic franchise.


This shot shows Sonic playing against a monkey in a sombrero. They're two of the characters you start with, but by winning the right tournaments you can unlock a chick on rollerblades, a chick in a blue miniskirt and that dwarf from Golden Axe. You remember that game, right? If you had a Genesis back in the day, you might have played it a couple of times when you wanted a break from Sonic and Madden.


I mean, a lot of people have heard of Space Channel 5 and Nights Into Dreams, but how many have actually played them, much less could name a character from them. Yeah, OK, whatever. You knew a guy who knew a guy who had a Master System back in the fifth grade and one time you went to his house and played Alex Kidd in Miracle World. You're sooooo cool.

Honestly, I could have just waited for the new Mario Tennis. They are making one, right? I would have much rather seen Sega make a new Jet Set Radio or Samba de Amigo game (which apparently really is in the works). I'd happily bide my time playing either one of those instead of a watered down tennis sim that doesn't even have Knuckles in it.

Day 37: Evolution

Evolution is a touchy subject. Some refuse to accept it. Some refuse to accept anything else. The only debate the game Evolution ever sparked was likely one between those who thought it was awful and those who thought it was terrible.

Evolution is made up of six mini games following the progression from amoeba to laser-wielding human with stops at frog and beaver along the way. All of the games are predictably simple and borrow heavily from previously established games.


Stage one is the amoeba, which must eat all of the DNA on the screen, avoiding the spores and microbes, to evolve into stage two's frog. If the frog can eat five flies without being eaten by a fish, he evolves into stage three's rat. The rat has to tunnel through the earth Dig Dug style to avoid snakes and eat five pieces of cheese to evolve into a beaver.


The beaver must collect twigs from across the lake to build a dam while avoiding a family of hungry alligators who all look like they've already been made into boots. Success means evolution into an ape, who must defend his oranges from monkeys by chucking coconuts. KO enough monkeys to make the final evolutionary leap to human, who must defend the earth from alien invaders.


I won't spoil the ending by telling you what happens, but I will tell you it involves a certain blue planet and an explosion, then the whole game starts again.

All six mini games are a chore to play. The collision detection is abhorrent. The amoeba can pass completely over DNA without eating it. Meanwhile, spores can kill the amoeba from an entire spore's width away. The sprites are all monochromatic and have at best two frames of animation. The sound effects are all generic 1980's video game beeps. Why does only the amoeba stage have a time limit? And why the hell are flies flying underwater?


Evolution managed to pretend to inventiveness by linking six very uninventive games together with the shakiest evolutionary chain concocted by a human mind until Remoraid -> Octillery. I thank the Intelligent Designer that my beaver ancestors didn't live to see this abomination.

Day 36: Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!

Awesome Possum could have been very popular with kids who'd never played Sonic the Hedgehog before and didn't mind having social issues crammed down their throats with digitized cries of "That's awesome!" Awesome is an anthropomorphic hedgehog opossum with "attitude" who has to defeat the evil Dr. Robotnik Machino to save the world. I'm surprised the makers of this game went with Awesome instead of breaking out the old Roget's thesaurus and finding a synonym for Sonic.

Awesome Possum might have been just a slower version of Sonic the Hedgehog, but it wanted to do something more. It wanted kids to care about the environment. And if collecting discarded recyclables and fighting robot loggers in the rain forest doesn't get the point across, maybe this will:


How many gallons of oil would have been saved by not manufacturing and shipping this game? Honestly, bible games are less preachy than Awesome Possum.

As a game, it fairs even worse than it does as a brainwashing tool. The controls are sloppy and unresponsive, making the game more difficult than something with AI this terrible really should be. Robots sometimes just walk off ledges to their deaths. Others simply go about their duties of deforestation, completely oblivious to Awesome's presence.


There's absolutely nothing awesome about Awesome Possum. That's right. I said it. Hey, the makers of the game didn't go out of their way to be creative, so why should I?

Day 35: Panic Restaurant

When I saw the name Panic Restaurant, I was hoping for an update of an Atari 2600 favorite, Pressure Cooker. Sure, I was disappointed when I saw that Panic Restaurant was a stock NES platformer, but I couldn't stay mad when I saw that the first boss is a giant Jiffy Pop pan.


Panic Restaurant is full of well drawn, beautifully animated killer edibles. It's by no means a groundbreaking achievement, but the delightful goofiness kept me playing so long I don't have time to write any more.

Day 34: Wonder Momo

I can think of two possible reasons Wonder Momo never made it to the United States. One, it kinda sucks. Two, there's a crab fondling a woman's breast.


Since I can't think of any instances of concerned mothers protesting because they caught their children playing Superman 64, my vote goes to the crab. Add a few quick pantie shots and you've got a game that would have moms lined up outside with signs faster than lead paint on a toy uzi.

The titillation and gameplay are both pretty minimal. The entire game takes place on a stage, so there's nowhere to go really. Momo can jump, kick and kick while jumping. Most enemies go down with one kick. Those that require multiple kicks are usually kind enough to march mindlessly into kicking range over and over again.


The cruel truth is, most games with an element of sex to them completely fail when judged solely on the merits of the gameplay. And if a game is nothing more than walking back and forth kicking robots and aliens, there needs to be a lot more than a couple of quick glances of panties and a grabby crab to make up for it.

Day 33: Action 52 Friday with Ooze

Someone must have been really impressed with Ooze. It's the first Action 52 game to have its own custom title screen.


Despite this, Ooze is just as unimpressive and borderline non-functioning as the rest of the games on Action 52. The player guides a little green guy through a cave full of slimy things. Most of the screen is unused, since the little green guy can't jump high enough to use any of the ledges on the cave wall. And since the vast majority of the slimy things rest on those ledges, they're out of reach. Oops.


According to Wikipedia, Ooze actually does crash at level 3. I ran out of patience with it long before reaching that point.

Day 32: Ten Speed

I can't think of a video game that has ever pissed me off as much as Ten Speed. Every aspect of this game seems to have been designed to irritate rather then entertain. For example:

Every stage starts with the other riders at full speed while I have to accelerate from a standing start.

Almost every stage begins with one of those other riders crashing into me from behind, sending me to the pavement.

Even though about 99% of the collisions in the game are the fault of other riders, none of them actually crash. They just keep riding on while I lay in the street.

Everything else makes me crash. Manhole covers. Grass. Cars.

There are cars driving down the middle of the street during a bike race. Not like support vehicles either. These people are late to wherever they're going and ain't nothing stopping them.


As if having to dodge every other pixel on the screen isn't enough, I also have to grab bottles of Coke left in the road or I'll run out of energy.

The controls are as basic as it gets. Pushing the joystick to the right accelerates. Left brakes. Up and down steer. Up and down with the fire button pressed shifts. A tip from me: just stay in high gear. By the time you descend from 10th to 4th gear, hitting every gear along the way, the terrain will have leveled out. Or you'll have crashed into something, since you can't steer and shift at the same time.

Graphics and sound aren't any better. Lots of big, blocky sprites with minimal animation. At least the backgrounds changed as I crossed the country. Crashes sound more like someone ran over a baby bird.

This game is garbage. It belongs on the curb, next to that old Huffy with the flat tires and rusty chain.