Day 131: Action 52 Friday with Meong

Today is a big day. I've reached the second screen of Action 52 games.


Eighteen game title that haven't been staring me in the face for the last four and a half months. They could be anything. It's like Christmas in July. But it's Christmas when you're in junior high and everyone stops giving you fun gifts and starts giving you pen sets and book bags.

Meong is the pen set of video games. It took no effort whatsoever and no one's ever going to use it.


As far as I can tell, the point of Meong is to move the little purple thing up the screen, avoiding all the black squares as well as the random deadly gray squares. I don't know what the destination is. I never made it that far since I have little patience for video games that kill me at random and then make me start over from the beginning. Ideally I could memorize a path through by remembering where I was each time I died, but since everything looks the same there aren't any landmarks to go by.

Meong is unfinished, severely flawed or just plain awful. Take your pick. Any future references to Meong made in my presence had better be in reference to these:

Day 124: Action 52 Friday with Atmosquake

Hey, I've already played this one, haven't I? It's the one where the player controls a space ship and has to shoot other space ships while avoiding terrain that sometimes kills him and sometimes doesn't but never kills the enemy ships. That sounds familiar to you too, right? I can't believe that the Action 52 guys would just swap the sprites out of another game change the name and call it a whole new game. I must have not been watching close enough at the selection screen. That's got to be what happened.

Day 117: Action 52 Friday with French Baker

I've been trying to come up with a less exciting name for a video game than French Baker. So far all I've got is Brown Paper Sack. I'd probably have more fun playing with a brown paper sack than I did playing French Baker, which is another climb around the platforms and shoot everything else game, a premise we saw just a few games ago with Chill Out. French Baker looks and plays like something I would have been embarrassed to produce for the Game Boy, much less the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Day 110: Action 52 Friday with Megalonia

Overheard at the Action Enterprises offices:

"Hey, isn't that the gun sprite I designed for my guy who shoots aliens and jumps over holes game?"

"Yeah, I needed it for my spaceship game."

"But it's a pistol."

"I don't care, man. Look, the boss only gave me an hour to finish this thing, I don't have time to design sprites."

"'Only' an hour? Dude, I did Chill Out in twenty minutes, conception to finished game."

"Wow, that's awesome. I wish I was as good a programmer as you. I spent four hours on Ooze and it still didn't come out the way I wanted."

"Hey, man, don't sweat it. Tell you what, I've got a few minutes, I'll help you out here."

"That'd be awesome."

"So what are we calling this thing?"

"I was going with 'Megalonia'."

"Oh, I like it. It has that whole doesn't mean anything Galaga vibe going. What have you got so far?"

"Well, I have a spaceship that flies from left to right shooting at other spaceships."

"Dude, this game's already done! Why are we sitting here?"

"Really? It doesn't need anything else?"

"Nope. Let's go see if the vending machine has any of those mini donuts."

Day 103: Action 52 Friday with Sharks

I'm going to go on record here and say that Sharks is the worst Action 52 game yet. If you're familiar with the Atari 2600 game Seaquest, it's a lot like that except instead of a constant onslaught of voracious sharks and enemy subs out to destroy me, there are a few well fed and apparently tame sharks completely ignoring me. Instead of Steve Zissou I'm Troy Lee Gentry.

About 75 percent of the time I spent playing Sharks was spent waiting for an actual shark to appear on the screen. When one finally did appear, it swam by on its predetermined path, completely oblivious to me and my harpoon gun. The game quickly jumps from too easy to impossible when the sharks are replaced with jellyfish, which appear and disappear at random positions on the screen, making them nearly impossible to hit.

As bad as this game is, I have discovered a use for it. The rockin' background tune would make great music for your next party. Since the sharks make no actual attempt to kill the diver, it should play indefinitely. Just run the audio through your stereo so you can turn your TV off. You don't want this burned into your screen.

Day 96: Action 52 Friday with Chill Out

I swear, these games are getting worse. Not only does Chill Out not have any penguins in it (thus bringing to an early end the First Annual Game Project 365 Penguin Parade), it doesn't really have much video game in it either. In fact, it's just Illuminator without the gimmick of the lights turning off and on. Depth-wise, I would have to say that Chill Out falls somewhere in between Pong and Chase. It shouldn't even count as one of the 52 games on Action 52. It's half a video game at best. Probably closer to a quarter.

Day 89: Action 52 Friday with Haunted Halls

Who you gonna call? Simon Belmont's little sister! Though, judging by the size of her chest, Simon's the only one who still calls her "little."

Hoping to step out from under the shadow of her brother, young Simone enters the Haunted Halls armed with a bag of crosses and her 36 double D's. The crosses are the more effective weapon. I guess breasts, no matter how large and perky, hold no interest for those who've crossed over.


Haunted Halls plays just like Ooze and Alfredo and every other platformer on the Action 52 cartridge. Simone walks to the left, leaps over pits and strikes down her many mindless enemies. Total dullsville, man.

Day 82: Action 52 Friday with Thrusters

Two weeks ago I made the bold prediction that Thrusters would be a space shooter, and Thrusters is a space shooter. It's probably the best of the Action 52 space shooters I've played so far, but that's like saying herpes is the best STD. It's bad and it's bad for a lot of the same reasons.

Day 75: Action 52 Friday with Dam Busters

Last Friday I predicted that Dam Busters would be some sort of shooting game, possibly a clone of the Atari 2600 classic River Raid. Well, there is shooting, but instead of jets, it has beavers.


I think that's a beaver. Beavers are brown and normally associated with dams, although I can't recall ever seeing a beaver wear a red vest (that's more of a raccoon thing). There aren't any dams anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

With no dams to bust or defend, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Whatever it is, the odds are certainly stacked against me. While I can only toss tomatoes at my enemies one at a time, I've seen them launch as many as four at once. And while they can go wherever they please, I'm limited to walking on the path. Please note the width of the path in relation to Bucky Beaver up there. Not a lot of room to dodge those incoming tomatoes.

By the way, the name Dam Busters isn't even an original. It was used for a 1984 game based on British bomb attacks on German dams during World War II.

Day 68: Action 52 Friday with Operation Full Moon

I'm not sure how much more Action 52 I can take. There are only so many way to say a game is bad without resorting to simply combining the word "suck" with the words "donkey" and "balls," and I'd rather not waste the good ones on a game like Operation Full Moon which is more generic than it is truly atrocious. It has all the same bland sprites, repetitive game play and bad collision detection you would expect in an Action 52 offering, this time in the form of a vertically scrolling shooter. In fact, just like Star Evil, Operation Full Moon likes to begin levels with your vehicle directly behind some sort of obstacle.

Based on my experiences so far, I'm going to attempt to predict what the next five games on the Action 52 cartridge will be.

Game 11 - Dam Busters: Even though I want to doubt there would be two in a row, this one's probably some kind of shooter, maybe a River Raid rip off.

Game 12 - Thrusters: Well, clearly something rocket powered is involved. This one's probably another shooter, set in space, although I'm holding out hope for a Lunar Lander clone.

Game 13 - Haunted Hill: Generic Castlevania. There will be some zombies, but probably no skeletons since those are harder to draw.

Game 14 - Chill Out: A platform game on ice. Possibly with eskimos and/or penguins.

Game 15 - Sharks: A shooter underwater. Kill the sharks before they kill you.

I'm also going to try to refrain from using the words "generic" and rip-off" any more when writing about the Action 52 games, which will easily be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

Day 61: Action 52 Friday with Alfredo

I had a strange dream last night. Aerosmith was preforming at my house, but for some reason Steven Tyler wouldn't sing. He just stood there while the bassist sang instead. After the set, they all decided they wanted some popcorn. I went to the kitchen to make some but my popcorn popper kept shooting out ice instead of popcorn, which was somehow the fault of one of my coworkers.

I wanted to tell you about my dream because I would rather do that than once again describe the incredible amounts of badness stuffed into one tiny Action 52 game.


Alfred, presumably, is the name of the little chef who marches through his infinitely large kitchen whacking giant noodly things with his giant spoon. Occasionally Alfredo has to leap over a very small hole in the floor. The same scenery loops endlessly in the background while noodly things appear at pretty regular intervals (and occasionally disappear due to what I'm going to say is a programming glitch because I'm not feeling creative enough this morning to create another reason).

The most interesting thing about Alfredo is that rather than the more standard three or five lives, it gives you two. How sad is it that the most noteworthy thing about a game is the number of lives it gives you?

Day 54: Action 52 Friday with Jupiter Scope

Unlike Earth and Mars, Jupiter does not have a solid surface. Instead, it is made up mostly of gases, making it impossible to build skyscrapers there.


I could probably forgive Jupiter Scope if that was its only flaw. Realism and video games mix like oil and vinegar. And while it isn't dreadful, Jupiter Scope certainly isn't any fun either. It's a bit like the Intellivision classic Astrosmash, with a ship defending the "surface" of a planet from a storm of meteors. Unlike Astrosmash, the meteors do not split into smaller pieces when hit and there is no penalty for allowing one to pass.

But, wow, the music is excellent. Catchy and appropriately urgent with some nice stereo separation. I suggest that you park your ship out of the way and leave the volume up while playing a different game.

Day 51: Action 52 Friday Tuesday with Crytical Bypass

I was very excited when I saw the name of this game. As anyone who was ever a fan of the Sleeze Beez knows, anything with an intentionally misspelled name is automatically 10 times cooler than it would be if it used the correct spelling.

That being the case, I'm either giving the Action 52 guys way too much credit by assuming they misspelled "critical" intentionally or "Critical Bypass," if it existed, would be far and away the single worst video game ever made, even counting every game ever made on a Commodore 64 by someone just learning to program with BASIC.


What we have here is a pink and green circle that needs to make it to the end of the runway without running into any boxes or giant space potatoes. The circle can defend itself by firing in four directions, but it can only fire in the last direction it moved, meaning it has to move toward the danger to eliminate it.

Far be it from me to discriminate against pink and green circles. They make fine power-ups, but they make lousy protagonists. I died once waiting for my ship to appear on screen, not realizing it already had. On the bright side, at least an awesome space ship sprite wasn't wasted here.

Day 40: Action 52 Friday with Silver Sword

Hark, brave warrior! Our once prosperous kingdom has been cursed! Only by traveling into the enchanted but strangely narrow woods and killing everything that moves can you free us from our despair! Please hurry warrior! The longer you dally, the more exclamation points I'll have to use!!!!


Silver Sword attempts to be either The Legend of Zelda or Gauntlet, or maybe Fatal Labyrinth. It doesn't matter really because it utterly fails to be any of those games. Even Fatal Labyrinth, for all its flaws, at least had the good sense to put some indication of how close I am to dying on the screen. Silver Sword, like several other Action 52 games, has no has no on-screen indication of score, lives remaining or, in this case, hit points, forcing me to keep track on my own. Quite frankly, being asked to count to 3 while avoiding giant caterpillars and fireball shooting Mankeys offends me to my very core.

Day 33: Action 52 Friday with Ooze

Someone must have been really impressed with Ooze. It's the first Action 52 game to have its own custom title screen.


Despite this, Ooze is just as unimpressive and borderline non-functioning as the rest of the games on Action 52. The player guides a little green guy through a cave full of slimy things. Most of the screen is unused, since the little green guy can't jump high enough to use any of the ledges on the cave wall. And since the vast majority of the slimy things rest on those ledges, they're out of reach. Oops.


According to Wikipedia, Ooze actually does crash at level 3. I ran out of patience with it long before reaching that point.

Day 26: Action 52 Friday with G-Force

G-Force failed to meet even the ridiculously low expectations I have for the games on the Action 52 cartridge. In fact, I have to resort to completely making stuff up to have anything to write at all.


Years of friction between the Rastafarian Space Empire and the United Federation of Planets Owned by Rich White Guys has finally boiled over into full-blown hostility as the Rastafarians send unmanned drones into the express tunnels leading from the Rich White Guys office towers to their beach homes. Insisting that you are the only man capable of beating back the invasion (but really just wanting you out of the way so he can nail your wife), the commander of the UFPORWG defense forces orders you into the tunnels in your hot pink fighter jet.


Actually, G-Force is a side-scrolling shooter with three levels which I presume loop infinitely. I made it through the third level each time without firing or moving. The first two levels were only slightly more difficult. Even with an average price of just $3.85 for each game on the action 52 cartridge, I'd have to say that G-Force is a complete rip-off.

Day 19: Action 52 Friday with Illuminator

This music is way too dramatic for this game. It sounds like end boss battle music. Which it probably is, just stolen from some other, possibly enjoyable game.


The twist to Illuminator, which otherwise would be the bare minimum of what could be considered a video game, is that the lights don't work. Killing one of the drones aimlessly wandering the platforms, whose only crime appears to be having enough phosphorus in their bodies to light the room for a few seconds, provides you a chance to locate the next drone to kill until they're all dead and you go to the next room.

What Illuminator really needs is a point. Someone to rescue, some object to find. Really any reason to be slaughtering so many defenseless people and giant butterflies would do. 'Cause, y'know, next time there's a power outage, my first response will be to find a flashlight, not start incinerating everyone.

Day 12: Action 52 Friday with Star Evil

Didn't anyone tell the Action 52 guys that a shoot 'em up space game is only as good as its made up, alien-sounding name? There's no way something called Star Evil could ever hope to stand up next to classics like Galaga and Zaxxon.

It doesn't help that Star Evil had to fit on the Action 52 cart with 51 other games. The whole game probably used something like 17 lines of code.


Star Evil is a vertical-scrolling shoot the other ships and don't crash into the walls game done on the cheap. The only obstacles that kill 100% of the time are the large blocks, which is unfortunate since every level seems to start with your ship directly behind two of them. Some enemy ships can be flown through and destroyed with no damage to yours and the walls sometimes forgive transgressions.

Stage bosses move randomly, sometimes lingering forever in places you can't get to them. And rather than die in a glorious explosion, they simply vanish and the next level begins.

Despite its glitches, Star Evil is functional and actually looks decent, which is probably the nicest thing I'll ever be able to say about any of the Action 52 games.

Day 5: Action 52 Friday with Fire Breathers

Unlike most unlicensed NES cartridges, which just have one crappy game, Action 52 has 52 crappy games. That's one new crappy game every week for a whole year! It's tailor-made for a year of video games type project.


Game 1 is called Fire Breathers. It's Combat. It is literally Combat with dragons. Actually, it's not even Combat. Combat has biplanes and jets and mazes and bouncing bullets and invisible stuff. Fire Breathers has two dragons that look more like manta rays and what I'm guessing is a castle.

I can't even really play the game because there's no 1-player mode. I can just kill the impotent blue dragon 8 times, which must mean I won because immediately after the 8th kill the title screen reappears. It's like someone took a demo from a How to Program Video Games book they bought in 1985 and decided to sell it. I was making better games than this for my Commodore 64 when I was 10.